IN all the many words written about Donald Trump’s election, some bordering on hysteria, no one has yet remarked that the great thing about becoming US president is that you automatically get the answers to all the big, fascinating questions that the rest of us will always be kept in the dark about.
For example: Have UFOs already landed and are there alien civilisations? Do we have time-travel machines?
Can we make ourselves invisible? Did we really land on the Moon?
Is it possible to zap your enemies with telepathic thought-guns? Is magic real? Is there a love formula for attracting X, Y or Z with some unknown concoction – crushed snails, earwax cologne or rats’ eyes in rice pudding to name just a few?
Is it possible to make your toys come alive, both the goodies and the baddies, and have philosophical conversations with them? Or order them to invade other children’s houses and destroy all their toys?
Is there a chocolate-only diet that is healthy and nutritious? Have they found a way for complete dunces to steal the class swot’s hard-earned thoughts without getting caught?
Why did Elvis decide to go and live on another star, and which one is it? Why are we covering up the existence of the Loch Ness Monster? What really happened to Harry Houdini? And when will the aliens release the crew of the Marie Celeste?
Basically these are all the amazing questions a big child like Trump, who is willing to spend his money to get elected to find out the answers, has been asking himself for years, and which he and Barack Obama discussed in the Oval Office, in secret, over a cigar and a bottle of gin .