We’ve reached an age, my husband and I, when we are literally the last soldiers of our generation still standing in the Bahrain community. Most of our friends who came here in the 1978-1980 period have returned to their home country or settled elsewhere.
I remember when we first came to Bahrain, bright-eyed and eager to change the world, we had a few older expat couples to watch and learn from – the ones who gave away the group birthday gift with a warm word of blessing, who arranged baby showers and whom we went to with our triumphs and setbacks.
Today we are that couple – called forward at many gatherings to give the group gift, say a few encouraging words and smile at a room full of young or new expats, eager to test their wings against Bahrain’s skies.
What we didn’t realise until we saw the reality unfolding for returnee friends (I believe the recognised word for expats going home is ‘re-pats’ – as in repatriate) is that when we return to home-base, we are facing a new challenge: if we go back home, it is to a country that has changed dynamically in the intervening years.
So, regardless of whether we go home or choose to settle in a third country, we face a new social adventure and that at an age when we are no longer as flexible mentally or physically, emotionally or monetarily.
To make matters more complex, the moment we return to base, we are expected to step into caregiver roles. It could be for elderly parents or for a health-compromised relation. The reasoning seems to be that expats had it easy all these years living on their own while the siblings back home bore the brunt of familial demands. Now that they are back, they are expected to repay two or three decades of care for the family but compressed into a shorter window.
We had a senior banker friend who left Bahrain after 25 years – his heart sent him a warning note and the couple decided to seek treatment and a less stressful life back home. Barely had they stepped off the plane and started preparing for heart surgery, then the list of family responsibilities came tumbling out of the closet. Aged parents to care for since siblings wanted to take time off after a good decade of care; the family home to repair and negotiate with contractors who spoke in tongues, charged in dollars and seemed to follow an alien time zone.
Were they wrong in feeling resentful? Were the siblings back home correct in assuming that they would get a break from family care duties? Well yes and no all the way through. People don’t realise that the returning expats are themselves often elderly and don’t have the energy or strength to deliver the focused care their tasks need. The aged parents were in their fifties and sixties when the re-pats left for their stay abroad and not in need of so much round-the-clock support. Stay-at-home siblings are, therefore, wrong to equate the final sprint in parental care to the missing years.
At the same time, caregiving can be an onerous task even when delivered with love and best intentions. These are duties that need to be discussed threadbare but with tact and balanced expectations from all parties. Only then will one’s golden years be truly gilded.
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